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Also, what I wouldn’t give for some blueberries right now.
Oh hi. How are you, blog? I have to admit, I’ve missed you.
My life is being lived and it’s wonderful. It’s been rare for me to have moments to myself to think.
Some days I feel as if I’m living a dream, while other days, I feel so stressed that crying is the only thing to make it better.
But I honestly wouldn’t trade those tears for anything else. I am a camp photographer and it is the bee’s knees. My portfolio is growing as is my summer tan.
My confidence in myself has been increasing as well. My stretch marks are part of my beauty and I have a hips that don’t lie, a butt that won’t quit, and thighs like thunder. Overcoming my condition is hard work. But I feel good.
I love myself and all the potential that I have. Look out world.
Guess who finally has a computer again? Yes, if you guess me, you would be correct. If you guessed anybody else, well, you actually may have a chance of being right because I’m sure I’m not the only person to get a new computer but I digress. My old MacBook of 5 years died about 2 weeks ago leaving me wondering what in the world i was to do! As a student in graphic design…a computer is kinda important to have. So because good ol’ Bobby Dean (also referred to as my father) is the most wonderful man alive, I am now sitting here with a refurbished MacBook Pro. And so friends, I have my life back. I should probably sort out my priorities, huh? *sigh* oh well.
Life has been nothing short of busy these days. Since Christmas, I’ve made many changes in my life. I’ve let my attitude about things become negative last semester and what a relief it’s been to let go of that negative and really pull the joy out of my everyday life. It’s a struggle most days to not let the little things get to me, but letting go of it is just making me a better person daily. I constantly want to strive to be the best me I can be. This kinda goes with my philosophy that if you want to be happy, you’ve got to stop comparing yourself to other.
In other news, I let go of a relationship that was wonderful but it’s time was just over but on a happier note, I’ve become the new server of a local Thai food restaurant. I quite enjoy it and I think it’s one of the better jobs I’ve had.
One the front of being a graphic/web designer…I have a website up that I’ve built (eiuprays.org). I would like to put up a disclaimer that the logo was not my design, so I don’t want to take credit for it. There are still changes that need to be tweaked to it BUT HOW EXCITING! Srsly…I feel so accomplished and proud. And that is a wonderful feeling.
Today is a dreary, rainy, surprisingly warm January day and (hello new computer that’s not falling apart or dead) once I’m done with classes, I have a list of things to accomplish tonight.
A while back I went to a cemetery a few blocks from my duplex. I don’t think I could ever describe the calmness and slight loneliness I felt while walking around and taking photos. As strange as the feeling was, I think at the moment it was something I needed and I think I might need that moment again.
Tomorrow I will head to another cemetery. Mourning is hard. As is life and life lately has been beating the crap out of me. But I promise, I’m putting up a fight. A feeble one, but I’m getting there.
*sigh* First things I need to overcome right now, finals. Then, getting a dang job.
Side note: how am I not the right fit for a movie store? This is one of those questions that will continue to haunt my mind for years.
I used to be really envious of all my friends who had found someone who they care so deeply for and who made them so entirely happy. I’ve been in a lot of really crappy relationships and honestly finding a good man seemed so impossible. Until Tanner. I don’t need to go into detail about him because the only important thing is that he makes happy. And he completely likes me for me. Weird, silly, thoughtful, laughing me.
okay so two things. and there’s a lot more.
but he’s the bee’s knees.
Fall is awesome. I mean, who doesn’t like fall? The leaves changing colors, the heat dying down, and bonfires. So wonderful. The other day a couple of friends and I went to the apple orchard a little up north, right by where my parents live. We had such a good time and while we didn’t take home any apples or pumpkins, we enjoyed ourselves. That is, until on the way home we hydroplaned into a ditch. But we’re okay. So yay!
Also goats are ugly (but kinda cute I guess) animals.
Now I just need a good fall playlist.
drinking vanilla bean soda. smiling at all the little things. designing something that just looks totally rad. knowing that something crappy is going on with your body but you are working at making it better and that working makes you feel better. knowing that you’re human. discovering a new musical artist. getting to be a huge witness of God’s love. eating healthy. yoga. amazing friends. hope. conversations where you just smile the entire time. the excitement of seeing the giraffe you have adopted.
Last week I spent being a camp counselor at East Bay camp, just north of Bloomington. Holy oh my goodness, it was an amazing experience. I don’t know why I’ve never done this before but working with wonderful people and having a good group of girls made it so rewarding. And honestly, I didn’t mind not having air conditioning or anything like that. Living out in the woods was pretty chill and I’m certain I could’ve done it for a summer.
Everything is just about to get crazy. I have Julie moving in soon, school is starting, and life will continue to go on.
Alive. That is what I am. And some days, that is the best thing in the world. To be alive and to feel.
I feel like writing a whole life update would be silly and it seems that the only important thing is that for whatever reason I took a hiatus from blogging, I am back and most recently I’ve been feeling a huge push of inspiration. You may not realize how important it is to told on to those, but I’m hoping this one doesn’t go away for a long time.
Tonight, I am drinking wine and designing. My bedroom is clean, the cat are asleep next to the window and I have a notebook with ideas that is just waiting to be filled. I can do this, whatever it is that I’m doing.
And loves, how have you been? Are you living life or just dealing with it? That difference is a huge one that we may not realize.
Bring it on tomorrow. I’m ready.
Here is a story, of someone who is actually not okay with how she is. I used to not exactly be this way but as of lately, I’ve begun to just really loathe who I am and I dislike that mindset. As a female with past self-esteem issues, I know that it can lead to nothing good. And before anyone goes on to tell me that I should like who I am because that is me, let me finish my story…:)
First, I believe that who I am right now, at this moment, is a combination of everything that has happened to, all the choices I’ve made, and what I currently believe on any subject matter. And this person who I am is me. I am made, here, whatever you want to say, for a reason. I do not know this reason. I don’t even know what I want to do for the rest of my life, let alone why I’m even really existing, but here I am and I am me. There is no one like me, who looks exactly like me and acts exactly like me. I am 100% Kaitlyn and nothing will change the fact that I am Kaitlyn. Now…I do believe that the person who I truly am is “trapped” inside of me, yearning to break free and thrive. I want to be the best me I possibly can. Why would I want to be anyone else? You may not realize, but it’s hard work, trying to be someone we’re really not (think about it, why do people feel so tired after first dates or job interviews?). But my true Kaitlyn is there, and I want to live her.
How to do it? Well, I can’t give you the answer to that. I really wish I could but I just know that I’ve got to work on being me.
And so, second. Here I am, soaking wet. I came home from hanging out with friends, did some things and then laid down in bed. I kept hearing the soft sound of rain hitting my roof and the wind blowing outside. As tired as I was, I could not go to sleep. This time of just laying in bed and not sleeping is such a dangerous time. This is the time all sorts of thoughts flow through. I remembered how last Sunday I told all the peer ministers that I was having self esteem issues and I just left it at that because I really didn’t want to talk about it, nor do I still. But I’ve got them and I don’t like myself. Every night when I go to sleep, I tell myself when I wake up in the morning that I’ll go run but I always find an excuse not to go. All these thought are flowing through my mind and I just decide to get up, put on a sweatshirt, socks and shoes, grab my house key and iPod and head out the door and just start at it.
Now. It was not easy. I haven’t worked my body like that for quite some time. Oh boy, my thighs I currently killing me now and I probably only spent ten minutes out there.
But those ten minutes are just ten minutes closer to becoming healthy and gaining my self esteem back.
No, I don’t want to impress anyone. I don’t want to necessarily be skinnier. But let’s be real. I’m a big girl. And I’m trying to be healthy but I think this is going to make it so much better.
I want to learn to love myself again and I’m just getting started on what I know will not be an easy journey.
Oh what a lovely weekend I’ve had. It’s been filled with delicious food, amazing friends and sleep. Oh my goodness, I love having my weekend to sleep in. It’s like..a reward for all the hard work I’ve put in throughout the week. And boy do I love rewards. I’m trying to think of my favorite thing from this weekend but I really can’t. Friday was wonderful because after work I got Thai food with the ever lovely Carolyn (who was my house guest) and Pat and stuffed myself silly. And I got to experience the bar that is Marty’s and rang in Josh’s birthday. What a guy. Saturday was relaxing and chill & Sunday was filled with Foundation activities, ending with an amazing small group and movie time with Sarah.
Can every weekend just extend itself a few more days?
I guess that’s what we have vacations for
Also, this girl is amazing. I love spending time with her.