running at night

Here is a story, of someone who is actually not okay with how she is. I used to not exactly be this way but as of lately, I’ve begun to just really loathe who I am and I dislike that mindset. As a female with past self-esteem issues, I know that it can lead to nothing good. And before anyone goes on to tell me that I should like who I am because that is me, let me finish my story…:)
First, I believe that who I am right now, at this moment, is a combination of everything that has happened to, all the choices I’ve made, and what I currently believe on any subject matter. And this person who I am is me. I am made, here, whatever you want to say, for a reason. I do not know this reason. I don’t even know what I want to do for the rest of my life, let alone why I’m even really existing, but here I am and I am me. There is no one like me, who looks exactly like me and acts exactly like me. I am 100% Kaitlyn and nothing will change the fact that I am Kaitlyn. Now…I do believe that the person who I truly am is “trapped” inside of me, yearning to break free and thrive. I want to be the best me I possibly can. Why would I want to be anyone else? You may not realize, but it’s hard work, trying to be someone we’re really not (think about it, why do people feel so tired after first dates or job interviews?). But my true Kaitlyn is there, and I want to live her.
How to do it? Well, I can’t give you the answer to that. I really wish I could but I just know that I’ve got to work on being me.
And so, second. Here I am, soaking wet. I came home from hanging out with friends, did some things and then laid down in bed. I kept hearing the soft sound of rain hitting my roof and the wind blowing outside. As tired as I was, I could not go to sleep. This time of just laying in bed and not sleeping is such a dangerous time. This is the time all sorts of thoughts flow through. I remembered how last Sunday I told all the peer ministers that I was having self esteem issues and I just left it at that because I really didn’t want to talk about it, nor do I still. But I’ve got them and I don’t like myself. Every night when I go to sleep, I tell myself when I wake up in the morning that I’ll go run but I always find an excuse not to go. All these thought are flowing through my mind and I just decide to get up, put on a sweatshirt, socks and shoes, grab my house key and iPod and head out the door and just start at it.
Now. It was not easy. I haven’t worked my body like that for quite some time. Oh boy, my thighs I currently killing me now and I probably only spent ten minutes out there.

But those ten minutes are just ten minutes closer to becoming healthy and gaining my self esteem back.
No, I don’t want to impress anyone. I don’t want to necessarily be skinnier. But let’s be real. I’m a big girl. And I’m trying to be healthy but I think this is going to make it so much better.
I want to learn to love myself again and I’m just getting started on what I know will not be an easy journey.



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One response to “running at night

  1. Carolyn

    <3<3 love you, dear, and am always here for you. Just a little insight here… my mom has an ex-coworker named Genesis. Genesis is a gorgeous, fit godly, Black woman. …but she wasn't always that way. She used to be very, very, very overweight. She tried previously to lose weight but was never successful. Finally she realized that she needed to make peace with her body the way she was. So she worked with God on loving her body, then He helped her lose the weight.
    I'm currently fighting the same battle. I believe in you!! <3

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